January 16, 2021

Broken my autistic mind

By rosieweldon

Please bear with me in this blog post. My brain is in the longest shutdown it has ever done, and it will be a rambling of thoughts more than a cohesive piece of writing. It will not be edited.

Anyone that follows me across my socials will likely have seen that over half my firm was made redundant on Thursday. Out of nowhere. Turn up to work and then that’s it. My firm is done. I didn’t know for a pain staking hour if I had a job.

I do. So, I should be fine. My job is fine. Except my job will now be with the sister company. A company I’ve never felt like I belonged in. Because I don’t. My firm has the people that I am comfortable with. It is where I joined. It’s my firm. And it’s gone. In an instant.

My safe person has gone. Others I can talk to are gone. You wana know how damn hard it is to find people I can talk to? Almost impossible. But my firm had so many. It was a bloody miracle to find so many in one company. Every time they walked into my new office (they are closely linked) I would feel a bit better knowing they are there.

I would have gone to the Christmas party because my firm would have been there.

My memoirs happy ending was my firm. It was finding my work home, where I belonged. And in an instant, it is gone.

My brain went into shutdown hours after finding out. It was pushed by a colleague to talk and it went into meltdown. Resulting in me walking out of a meeting. So maybe my job isn’t fine. Maybe I’ll be fired for walking out.  

I’ve never lost control at work before. But I did on Thursday.

Now it’s Saturday and my mind is still in shutdown. If I try to clear through it, if I try to make sense of it, I break down. If I break down, I want to self-harm. Which I have not done and believe I will not. If I break down, it may lead to a relapse in depression. So, for now I stay numb.

Because I can not cope. I do not know how to process this. One minute I’m getting ready to launch a book that talks of finding my happy ending. The next, it is gone. In a second.

My autistic mind struggles to process moving desks. A meeting change. This is a monumental change and I feel like it has broken me. Like my mind has just snapped in half and given up. I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know how to get through this. And I know all too well that I was not the person in the worst situation Thursday. I have my job.

I hate that I can’t process this. But right now, all I am, is scared.

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