January 16, 2021

Autism at Christmas: the office Christmas Party

By rosieweldon

Tonight, is the work’s Christmas party. On the bus on the way to work I planned out a positive blog post about how I was okay with not attending. That I am happy with exactly who I am and at peace with what I cannot do. However, after getting home I wasn’t prepared to do that.

I started writing these blogs to give an insight into autistic life, what it really feels like to be autistic. And today, I wasn’t okay with not attending the Christmas party.

I sat in an office filled with people all getting excited for the party. Every single person was attending. Two people asked me if I was going. My response was ‘no’. No explanation. Just no. Because the words I want to say bang up against a glass barrier as my mind can’t say them out loud. I want to tell them that I do want to go, but I cannot. I want to ask them not to think of me as rude and ignorant, but please understand I cannot.

Both assumed I didn’t want to go. Gosh, wouldn’t that be easier. But the truth is I did want to go. I work my ass off for my firm and why shouldn’t I get one night a year to celebrate.

I love being autistic and I am proud to be autistic. But today I wanted to beg whoever/whatever made me to please let me be normal for one night. Let me go to the party. Let me join in.

But I cannot. And I never will be able to.

Don’t tell me it’s good to be different. Don’t tell me there is no such thing as normal.

I’m not ashamed to be different.

But today, I just wanted to go to the party like everyone else.

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